True Desires Never Die
Reflections on the evolution of my desires and an introduction to go forth & create
My juiciest revelations about life on earth often emerge through the sacred practice of self inquiry. During a more recent self inquiry session, I stumbled upon some personal truths that provide helpful context for what led me to go forth & create and why it’s so important to me.
Kind of Blue (Columbia CL1355) was released in the USA on 15 August 1959.
This was the album I was listening to while I was putting some finishing touches on this article and realized it’s great background music for this piece. Feel free to listen while you read if you’re into that!
Reflecting on how I ended up at my current day job, I was led to revisit some of my core desires and how their expression shifted over time. Since I was little, I’ve always found joy in connecting with people. There was an undeniable wholeness I felt when exchanging stories, co-creating meaning, and piecing together all the multifaceted parts of the human experience. I rejoiced in the adventure of bearing witness and being witnessed.
Art was my favorite way to do this and the world was my canvas. There was no doubting or second guessing, I simply was an artist. I created stories with ease and nurtured them daily. Imagining, writing, making up songs, directing fashion shows, running my own “self-published” magazine. Aided by my vivid and flowing imagination, art making felt as natural and necessary as breathing. It connected me to myself, others, and the vast world around me.
But inevitably, life became more complicated. As my nervous system adapted to changes beyond my control, this desire for connection started to express itself through conformity. Subconsciously, I began molding my own meaning making capabilities to gain the approval of others, abandoning certain parts of the human experience to remain within mainstream cultural codes, witnessing and being witnessed by the paralyzing fear of my own conditioned mind.
This conditioned mind convinced me that my authenticity was a threat to the connections I craved. And worse, it told me I wasn’t meant to be an artist. My thoughts too unoriginal, my stories not unique enough. Over time, I divested from the natural joy that art making brought me and looked for safety in other pursuits. External validation seemed like a safer place to guarantee connection rather than the creative spark that fueled me.
I didn’t realize how much I was suppressing my art making impulse until after graduating college. Until then, I found just enough art adjacent activities to keep myself preoccupied so that I didn’t have to fully acknowledge how deeply I desired it.
But core desires like that don’t die, they just shape shift, seeping into other areas of life as a subtle invitation to return to them.
Marketing was one of the ways this desire shape shifted. Mutated by a reliance on external validation, my art making impulse sought expression through the storytelling potential that the world of marketing seemed to offer. I was allured by the glam and possibilities of it all. And I’m sure the security of consistent income and acceptance from my peers were also motivating factors. Committing fully to making art would mean risking both of these security blankets which felt like — and sometimes still feels like — danger.
My conditioned mind convinced me that while I wasn’t cut out to be an artist, I could use my unique perspective to make other people excited about art. The entertainment industry seemed like the most ideal space to build a career. But I still didn’t give myself permission to be the artist that my inner child felt so deeply connected to and as a result, the core desires of my inner artist were gradually drowned out by the self denying demands of capitalism.
Then in 2019, I saw my birth chart for the first time. I had no idea what all of the symbols meant, but this mysterious convoluted system lit up parts of my brain that hadn’t been activated in a while. I soon discovered the podcast, The Strology Show hosted by Kirah Tabourne. For the first time, I consciously felt what it’s like when a passion draws you in. I binge listened to all of the available episodes, desperate to know more.
I was always intrigued by astrology, but once I learned it was an entire language and dynamic system of knowledge, my mind reached out to it like a moth to a flame. It was as if some deep inner voice was telling me that this was the necessary next step in my evolution. The option of not learning more, never crossed my mind.
In the midst of the unraveling of 2020, I felt held by this newfound way of relating to my daily experience. I was fascinated by the intricate quest of making meaning out of the movements of celestial bodies that can never truly be contained by language. And yet this uncontainable aspect made it all the more enticing. It welcomed a way of responding to the unknown, awakening curiosities about mysticism that had previously flown under the radar. And without realizing, this new interest was feeding my inner artist.
It felt like I finally found the missing piece in the puzzle of my embodied experience. But in reality, this was a portal into a whole new world of puzzles. Astrology opened up a pathway to mystical ways of knowing my self and the divinity around me – which I always sensed but never consciously engaged. Around this same time, my sister, a medium, started sharing her gifts more publicly, offering ancestral readings to family and friends.
The world was becoming increasingly more animated and I along with it.
A series of events, including my grandmother’s transition, continued to lead me deeper and deeper into the unknown and unseen realms — a period I hesitantly classify as the beginning of my spiritual awakening. I’m hesitant because a part of me feels my whole life has been a spiritual awakening. But this period marked a clear shift in my consciousness. The deeper I ventured, the more I could hear my inner artist calling me to respond to life in ways that I had not before, calling me to create.
To live is to respond and to respond is to create. This is a lesson that this phase of my awakening continues to reveal and reinforce. I’ve resisted the lesson out of fear only to be called back to it again and again.
go forth & create is an experiment on what’s possible if I stop resisting the persistent call of my deepest desires. What new stories emerge when I commit to and share publicly the creative practices that feed me? What would it look like if I let my curiosities for mysticism and art making coalesce into a devotional offering?
go forth & create was my highest self’s response to these looming questions that have been begging for my attention over the last couple years.
In this space, I will intentionally create my way through this journey on earth. Contemplating grief, awe, collapse, awakening, and more one creative response at a time. Through these offerings, I invite others to join me on an ever evolving meaning making journey into inner and outer truths we've been conditioned to ignore.
As I learn to appreciate the beauty in the way I perceive the world, I’m developing an even deeper appreciation for the process of co-creating the world in community with those who hear the same whispers from beyond. For me, the real magic of the creative process lies in the collaborative experience. Collaboration requires sharing, so here I am.
This is also an exercise in trusting my own intuitively led creative process unrestricted by form or genre. As such, this practice could take shape in a wide range of formats including personal essays, podcast mini-sodes, original soundscapes, prose, multimodal meditations, short stories, and more. Because my direct experiences and personal curiosities will serve as the source material for this creative offering, the range of topics covered here will also undoubtedly evolve. Right now, my interests in astrology, spirituality, alchemy, and culture, will likely take center stage.
No matter the form or content, my goal is to lead with vulnerability, curiosity, and my imagination as I uncover and recover ancient ways of knowing. My desired outcome is to experience the awe of connection – the ecstasy of wholeness – inside a bi-weekly practice of creative contemplation. If that sounds like something you’d be interested in, I’d be happy to have you along for the ride!
p.s. for any fellow astro nerds, Happy Full Moon in Aquarius! I’m a pisces rising and with this being the first full moon in Aquarius with Pluto co-present, I think this intro to go forth and create sheds some light on what this 12H Pluto transit seems to be cooking up for me. This week’s astrology is a bit chaotic so I’m hoping y’all are staying safe and prioritizing your wellness!
"But core desires like that don’t die, they just shape shift, seeping into other areas of life as a subtle invitation to return to them." I keep returning to this, thinking of Pluto's return to Capricorn, 2008, all the things my 16yo self was dreaming about. The dreams never died, they just shape shifted. Thank you for this reminder. 🥹
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. Your words are so authentic, vulnerable, and powerful - to live is to create and to create is to live! So excited and proud of you for putting yourself out there in such a brilliant way. I loved the music as well :) Can't wait for more!!